My Beginnings With Food

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My story with nutrition is a winding one. First and foremost…I’ve always loved food.

 

All throughout my childhood, all I really thought about when it came to food was whether or not I was hungry and what I wanted to eat. That was it!

 

In high school, I started to get into “healthy eating.” I put that in quotes because all it really involved was making healthier/better-for-you versions of my favorite foods (pasta dishes, desserts, etc.).

 

I never became obsessed, though. I did try to get my family in on it a little, but it was mostly just something I explored on my own. If something I made was gross, I just abandoned it for the "less-healthy" version. Simple as that.

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Things with food and eating started to change when I went through my first major breakup in high school. Now, listen, I know everyone goes through breakups. But when you’re a teenager and it’s your very first one, it feels like the end of the world. This one certainly did to me. Why does this matter? Stress.

 

Some people are stress eaters. Some are stress not eaters. I fall into the latter category.

 

After the breakup, I remember going through my days at school not eating for the entire day (and this went on for a number of weeks). Of course I was hungry, but honestly, at the same time, I didn't have an appetite. I know, seems counterintuitive...But that’s just truly how I felt at the time.

 

Also, at this time, I was playing softball. Yes, all the while not eating. I placed myself into one heck of an energy imbalance (I was burning more energy than I was taking in at times and my energy intake was inconsistent). No, I didn't lose a bunch of weight (to where people were concerned), but I surely wasn’t helping my body feel safe, nourished, and taken care of. I might have eaten "enough" calories, overall/on average, to keep my body in a happy weight range (I would eventually eat something when I got hungry enough), but going for long stretches without eating, throwing off my blood sugar levels, not responding to my body's cues, etc., put me into a state where my body was not being treated like it should have been; subsequently, things within my body and my brain started to go a little sideways (I'll get to that in a minute!). 

 

I didn't lose a lot of weight during this time, and it used to confuse me as to why this was the case. Since learning more about the human body and energy balance, I've come to understand what weight is a complicated thing, not completely as simple as “energy in, energy out” or "eat less, move more" (when it comes to weight loss, specifically). (We’re still learning so much, in science, about the complexity of the human metabolism and weight. It’s one of the areas I’m most fascinated by.) Yes, it does all come down to energy balance at the end of the day. However, the metabolic mechanisms behind that balance are what are wildly nuanced and complex.

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With no significant weight loss, I didn’t worry. Sure, I knew it wasn’t “normal” to not eat all day long, but I was sad and stressed. *insert shrugging emoji here* I figured things would go back to normal eventually.

 

After a lot of emotional roller coasters, I eventually returned to some normal eating patterns. But after this time, nothing with my eating was ever truly the same.

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Eating Disorder

 

I believe this stint of not eating in response to stress was the beginning of my eating disorder experience.

 

There are many, many, many theories on how eating disorders develop, and the only clear thing I see? THEY’RE COMPLICATED!

 

Everyone’s reasons are different, yet I do not believe anyone chooses a disorder. In my opinion, having been through one, they are far too miserable to be and remain a conscious choice.

 

One theory that has always made sense to me and my story is that of a significant enough energy deficit/energy imbalance “turning on”/activating certain "survival genes" that influence restrictive eating behaviors.

 

There is a lot involved in this theory, but it basically posits that these "survival genes" are genetic remnants from the past where our ancestors often had to survive times of famine. What would the survival strategy have been during a famine in ancient times? Eat as little as possible and move/migrate as much as possible. Eating as little as possible saves scarce resources (food is obviously scarce in a famine). Moving as much as possible (a component of many disorders today, often labeled as "compulsive movement" or "compulsive exercise") refers to the need to migrate - if you are living in a famine, clearly the area where you are living is not conducive to surviving and thriving. Better get moving to find the "land of abundance!"

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Okay, I’ll have to stop myself here because there is so much more I could explain about this theory. (I talk about it more in my book Recovery Revelations and on my podcast Recovery Revelations!) I find it fascinating, and at the same time I do not believe it fully explains my eating disorder experience. I think anxiety, physiological responses to stress, and more also played a role. However, I do believe that my initial entry into a significant/inconsistent (unplanned) energy deficit (when I stopped eating after the breakup, as well as keeping on playing softball and expending a lot of energy) kicked things into motion. (One caveat here! Does this mean that I can never enter an energy deficit or that everyone needs to be afraid of going into an energy deficit [i.e., a diet], lest they also discover they have these genes and go on to develop a restrictive eating disorder? Not at all! There are many, many, many factors to consider. It is not cut and dry! And we are certainly not victims of our genetics. That is my opinion.)

 

So, here we are (at this point in the story), entering into an eating disorder experience. Not knowing there's a problem. Therefore, it just kept going…slowly snowballing...

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From high school all the way through college, it continued to wax and wane, changing how it presented and finally reaching its worst in 2021-2022. In fact, 2019-2021 were the worst years of it. (Throughout this time, I never admitted anything was amiss and I never asked for help. I just thought I had some weird habits with food and exercise. My thought was: Doesn't everyone?)

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Eating less. Moving more. Extreme anxiety around food. Rigid eating schedules and routines. Feeling absolutely trapped and becoming less healthy all the time. Losing who I was (my personality went totally offline, no sense of humor, no joy whatsoever). Mood swings. Hormone imbalances. Sleep problems. It was...a mess.
 

Throughout the years, I always knew (deep down) that something wasn’t right. Yet, I didn’t want to admit I had a “problem.” Being intentional about food and exercise can be incredibly healthy, and doing things differently from those around you need not be disordered (and almost no habit is inherently disordered, in and of itself). Yet, for me, the amount of anxiety that surrounded food and exercise signaled that something wasn't quite right.

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Rock Bottom & Recovery

 

In the spring of 2022, as I was nearing the end of my one-year venture into elementary school special education teaching, I knew something had to change. I had lost so much weight (body fat and muscle), worried my friends and family, and become incredibly scared for my health. I didn’t care what I had to let go of at that point, nor what I had to change - I had to pause life as much as possible in order to focus on recovery.

 

Not a day goes by where I am not thankful for that decision.

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A Newfound Passion

 

I could write pages and pages about the entire experience, but the important thing for right now is the fact that recovery lit a fire within me for learning even more about true physical health.

 

Specifically, fitness and nutrition. I needed to know how to heal my body (namely how to heal all the many things that had broken down during the disorder). I wanted to gain back the muscle and corresponding strength that I had lost throughout the years. I must say that I have become obsessed (healthily obsessed!) with getting truly healthy. Not just recovering back to baseline. Let's call it…recovery+!

 

Here are some of the biggest things I have learned, thus far (always continuing to learn more):

 

​The importance of eating enough (truly enough) for one's unique energetic needs

The individuality of nutrition

How nutrition plays a huge role in fitness - strength, performance, aesthetics, etc.

The role of nutrition in mood and mental health

How nutrition plays a major part in helping the body feel safe, which impacts many other physiological processes necessary for actually thriving in life

 

And, like I said, I keep learning more!

 

I am always reading, taking in information online (from trusted professionals and those with lived experience), and listening to podcasts (again, from trusted professionals and those with lived experience) in order to hear different perspectives, stories, and the latest research findings.

 

I have come to realize that not everyone is as interested in the science of nutrition as I am! When you’re very wrapped up in and passionate about a topic, this can be difficult to remember at times - that not everyone cares as much as you.

 

But I know that everyone wants to feel good. Everyone wants to be healthy. Everyone wants to feel confident in their body. And nutrition plays a humongous role!

 

You simply can't truly feel good, be healthy, be as confident as possible, or live any of the best lives available to you without taking your nutrition into account.

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Here's Where You Come In!

 

That’s why I’m here as a nutrition coach - to help you learn what you need to know about nutrition, help you explore what works for you in your own way, help you reach the goals that you have, and take away the totally unnecessary fear and confusion.

 

We all have to eat, you know. We might as well find out how to do so in the ways that feel best for each of us and help us live the lives we want!

 

Your nutrition needs will change as life changes - that’s okay! It’s a fluid process where you will require different approaches at different times. You will also make shifts as you learn more throughout your journey - more nutrition information, more about your preferences, etc. That’s the beauty of it - it’s never the same! Well, sometimes it is. And that’s okay, too! There will be periods of consistency and periods of change - both are perfect.

 

*I would like to also mention here that I am a Certified Personal Trainer (NASM-CPT). Therefore, if you have questions about the fitness side of health, I got you! Fitness is frequently featured in my Instagram posts, articles, and podcast episodes. It is also something that you are welcome to dive deeper with me about if you're interested in a kickstart session call! Or, if you are totally ready for coaching, this can be a part of our time together there as well. I just do not offer exercise programming like other coaches; my coaching focus remains on the nutrition side of things.*

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So, let me say one more little thing here, as I wrap up the journey story.

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Physical & Spiritual

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Through recovery from the eating disorder, I realized how important physical health is to being spiritually connected. Physical energy, I believe, is directly connected to spiritual energy. Just as we cannot live whole, fulfilling, magical lives by just focusing on the physical, human side, we cannot live whole, fulfilling, magical lives by just focusing on the spiritual. Spirituality can be the foundation - yet, it is my belief that your spiritual foundation will always lead you to what you need to do in order to care for your physical health the best.

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I had dreams for my life when I was in the depths of the eating disorder experience. They were always whispering to me in the back of my head. Yet, I had no mental nor physical energy to engage with them, imagine them as a possibility, let alone play a role in bringing them to life! I was absolutely depleted. I was drained.

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It wasn't until my physical health began to restore, along with my mental health (which is connected so intimately with physical health), that I began to pursue these dreams.

 

That I began to actually believe anything is possible. That I began to actually begin living out this belief.

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That I finally began to feel my spiritual connection to God, the Universe, the entire realm beyond our physical world, and my own Soul, finally return.

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God never moves. Our Soul never moves. Yet, our participation in the connection is vital. We are a piece of the puzzle, and God will never force anything upon us. We must choose. And when we are in an unhealthy state (of our own choosing, meaning we have the power to change and we choose not to) in these bodies? That connection will never be as strong as it can be.

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I would love getting to help you on your journey! If you want to learn more about working with me, just click the button below. A discovery call for coaching is absolutely free, by the way! 

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